Where did you get a picture of my penis
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
