Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Watching her eat just hurts me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
