I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
