sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
