Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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