i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
