I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
