After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
