She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
