It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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