I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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