I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
