if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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