if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
