Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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