Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
