so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
