I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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