Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
