Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
