well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize