ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
