just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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