I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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