i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
