I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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