Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
