BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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