we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
