Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
