R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
