2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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