i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
