I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
