You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
