Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
