I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
