everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
