We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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