so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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