how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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