I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
