38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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