I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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