i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
