if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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