the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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