What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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