I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
