3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
