The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
