I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
