i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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