I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
