If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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