just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
