her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
