I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
