Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
