so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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